Today’s heart heavy
Constant separation pains
I’m so sporadic and chaotic at times and I’ve learned slowly but surely to find a balance. This balance however is constantly challenged which leads me to believe rather correctly it’s not that stable. It’s a constant dance with oneself, fighting over the lead. I woke up today with so much going through my mind again, inspiring sketches and poems and thoughts and tears to flow etching a new groove upon my face. When I think of politics I hurt, when I think of the judicial system in our beautiful country it hurts. When I think of people and how they seem like little angry irrational children fighting for every little shiny toy on this planet it hurts. This pain only becomes more unbearable with every new instance of what appears to be insanity happening in the world. I can’t and for the life of me will probably never understand it. I am by no means as strong as I would like to be but it’s a journey. Each time I fall however I do get back up somehow, not always of my own volition.
This rather black photo was a selfie, I’m not sure why even, that I took it. Maybe some
conditioning I’m aware and yet unaware of. Media marketing etc but I digress. I took the image and immediately after I looked at its darkness underexposed and the fact that I was lost and all I seemed to see were some white spots (reflections), but I saw a constellation or some unexplained astral bodies. It was beautiful to me and immediately reminded me of some of my hobby readings from a couple scientific sources. Describing how carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen, oxygen, phosphorus and sulfur. Were and still being found within some stars. Building blocks of life as most are aware of. I also started to think of deeper within us these little communities of cells, bacteria etc that exist within, on, and outside us. I felt at that moment weightless and as though every molecule of my flesh was expanding away from me. This all from just waking up from a deep sleep.
Anyhow it just made the tears fall, thinking of how our government in the states and around the world keep making similar mistakes willfully. This horror of separating children from their families and treating all these people as though they are nothing and dehumanizing them. So much hate is being sewn and it spreads like an untamed wild fire. I remember a trip my fiancé and I took where we saw the trains and cramped cabin cars of where so many Jewish people were separated forced into towards their demise. Thinking of people crammed into the bows of a ship stacked upon each other like sardines separated from family and each other, to be shipped across vast stretches of sea. Some tossed overboard sunken into a true dark place. One we humans have not explored the complete depths of. Villages around the world currently experiencing raids and being ripped from their soil their flesh and their lives. Observing in nature so many complexities of the world around us, plants and animals. Inter-sexed species, others where two of the same gender are coupled for life, species where the male is pregnant, and the female of the species fills the protector rolls of sorts. Specimens that change their sex for procreation of the species and ones that change their sex to quell the overpopulation. So much beauty that cannot be brushed under a rug or fit neatly into a box designed by humans in our “infinite wisdom”. Yet this is what we do when we ignore the world not directly in front of us. It should not be this hard to utilize all the resources around us, so we don’t repeat travesties of human history. This is overwhelming so much so I can only be brutally honest not elude and just say that little over one year when I took way too many sleeping pills with the intent to never wake to this pain again. I did not want to see or live in a world where people don’t see or understand the beauty of each other and appreciating them hearing them and not just listening.
I couldn’t take anymore I should be overjoyed and content but I never am. My mother and family seem to all be doing well, I have my health which seems to never give up on me when I give up on it. I work and currently I’m enjoying what I do I feel it serves a purpose. There’s someone in my life that seems to understand me and wants to be there. I’m able to take small vacations and go to other parts of the world and I hope spread love and a positive impression on others. I even receive this message from random people that meet me or pass me. Yet I still can’t trust this. That freaking duality that’s not even a duality but so much more. I try my hardest to be in the moments and just appreciate them, but I’m always reminded and thinking of others. If I’m eating I feel ok but I also feel a pang of pain in my stomach thinking of hunger and of an infant, child, and adult who at that same moment is dying of hunger and I fucking hate it. I’m not special I’m not more deserving or anything. Sorry for the harsh word but there’s no way to make that sound better. Seeing wonderful people trying to make a family and you immediately are reminded of others that because of their own pain or what they have going on, they can’t see their own children that they abuse or neglect. Sorry my mind is going down the void again. Apologizing to myself but maybe to another who might understand. I have people that see me as bubbly and fun and positive, but it takes so much energy to get to that place. To open my eyes and start the process of waking up, washing up, and presenting. Because I was taught so long ago as a child never let your head hang, chin up, back straight, eyes forward. Those words can mean so much, look forward don’t get distracted by all around you… focus. I however feel that digesting all around us and doing what we can maybe help us to become more than what were told we are. Become better, caring and not desensitized.
The main shot I took of my fiancé as we walked through I think a museum in Oslo. He helps reign my chaos in and helps me find some balance through debates and discussions and actions. Anyhow I loved the effect of the wall piece. I loved seeing so many facets of the world around. I asked him to press his face upon this wall, so I could make photo. It was exactly what I wanted the many fractured sides of us, humans and who we are and who we wish and claim to be.
Butterflies in the garden time for a walk. Helps to clear the mind, that and electrical humming noises.