~ Severed ~
Life cycle never fulfilled
Petrified hearts flow.
Fell into my own world as I do, tainted with moving suddenly but knowingly to a new apartment. Establishing a new home new rhythms seemingly so simple but the turning upside down of ones world, when you need pattern, structure or everything ceases to have meaning, is important. I know this of myself yet when it strikes my seasoned mind becomes that of a inquisitive and explorative child. Everything is new everything is intense and needing to be understood. Were settled in the new place now and I’ve set up areas for different task as I usually do but still nothing holds a spark for me. I pick up my paint brush and then it sit in my hand as my mind falls into the sky outside, Unable to snap back to reality, unable to care. I may not like it but it is the pattern of my being, this life. I have no time for what I truly desire to lock myself away in a place of observing, away from everything, there’s always something , a conversation that must be had, clothing that needs washing, floors, rooms, etc. food prepared nd cooked the cat looked after the relationship needs of together time and still in vain at times trying to remember special times or dates of so many things that have to happen at this or that specific time. Calendars help but still it feels like a grey fog rolling heavy over me, blinded with labored breaths.
I think when I sat down and sketched this I was envisioning a distant connection, where you are connected but you both are aware that you are always separated, always distant. Even the most intimate of touches shared there is a barrier always a barrier. This brought about a deep despair, thoughts of the heart, my heart like a black hole and my feelings of joy a mere moment seemingly infinite and frozen as it crosses the threshold of the void that is my heart. I can appreciate joy I sense and can reflect it yet there’s always a hollow feeling pervades, a chasm that cannot be crossed. All links seemingly severed, yet I insanely throw ropes into the void one after the other thinking , hoping, fantasizing that one day it will be caught. Knowing full well that they may fall into nothingness time and time again, as the tears fall my speed matches their descent as I bend to take up another rope.