Trapped within the fall
Freefall, walls disintegrate
Limbs reaching outward.
I’ve been lost the past couple weeks, making sense of all the change and patterns broken. In the midst I to fell apart, crumbling with each step. I would get back up, look around assess the situation and try again. Each day between two worlds one of chaos and boxed memories and the other of possibilities and newness. Today the new smaller apartment is looking more like a home. We’ve set up our spaces and I was able to continue with laundry, cleaning and sorting and after some time I sat at my new little spot near a large window. This window inspired me as I looked out and observed the lit sky’s peeking through the clouds. I felt nothing and still felt sadness. Felt an emptiness that I tried to capture today when I picked up my pencil and just drew. I felt empty, lost and like this character your looking for a hope a sign that things will make sense and it becomes so unbearably real that it does not the tears have turned red. Leeching from the very soul of each person suffering in vain. We flail and we cry out and the emptiness smiles back. Reflecting nothing, everything and sometimes too much to bear overflowing within.
I leave this thought now , it is heavy and it does weigh tremendously on the vessels we inhabit. So for a bit of levity I leave you with one of my childlike purchases from years ago. Their still with me, the big cuddly toy cats. They are remnants from a Halloween party from the past where I dressed as some type of female Tarzan or something. I don’t know my mind travels so many places. As you might have noticed one of the furry family members has found a spot to call home among them. I had to be cheesy for that moment I had to take a photo. After all, its these tiny little occurrences and people in our lives that give us something however brief to grab onto and cherish a moment during our fall.
The fog is rolling in, time to do something else that brings my heart joy. Stand outside when there’s fog and inhale deeply the knowledge of ancestors and those departed so they strengthen us in our journeys to come. I love this thought this idea and even in all my skepticism it has never left me. So I breath, with those I cannot see…