~ Blurred and Blinded ~
Blinded in deceitful bliss
It’s a cruel cycle I’m stuck in from time to time. It like looking at this situation from outside you don’t see a version of yourself but you know some remnant remains and is functioning somehow. Just had a nice conversation with my fiance, my anchor of sorts, although this anchor to drifts along the depths of the ocean floor at times. Towards the end of our conversation he tried to help by compacting everything we discussed in words for me which for myself translated instantly to visuals. He said how I have to stay aware and alert all the time that sometimes my chemical makeup and the way I process stimuli can be daunting. I know this because I’m always taking so much in to much at times but I don’t know how to stop it. Its like one of my favorite things that exist a black hole, constantly absorbing without control just devouring anything and everything until it swirls within. You feel full, satiated, yet still empty. Anyhow after he finished talking I immediately envisioned myself bound and gagged, in the back seat of a car, shaking back and forth unable to break free. Thrashing between reflections of myself named, Grief, another on the other side named Melancholy, the driver Depression, the middle front seat passenger Death, the one next to them named Void. Behind me screaming from the trunk, stacked upon each other and surely beaten and bound were Confidence, Strength, and Purpose, and Joy. Myself I was a state of nothingness a passenger from within.
Today I grasped for anything and everything Blurred and Blinded came from that, it was a gray and rather rainy day. I left the house to walk to the other to use the bathroom and maybe after make some lunch, only because I hadn’t eaten or drank anything and knew I had to. You have to get up roll out of bed, go outside smell the air and sense the world. On the walk I saw some sheep in the distance, I forgot my glasses so they were a little blurred, I crossed my eyes and blurred them even more. And for a moment a sense of warmth fell over me and I slipped for a millisecond into a dream. I doodled that dream today seems a little happier than I actually felt, but tried manifesting some joy in that moment. The other two random sketches came from hating everything about myself and everything I did and the air that I breath etc, you get the point. You fall down a spiraling hole of despair, but as I fell I forced myself to just start sketching random things. I want to end on a harmonious note but there hasn’t been one struck yet. The energy isn’t there, but I know it will return, it always does like a boomerang, the further it gets from me the worse I feel but soon it shall return.
Strength is nothing without vulnerabilities. KKF