~ Hide and Seek ~
All of us lost and stumbling
There’s to much and not enough to say I fell off, I fell off hard into that chasm of despair and uncertainty and just a complete and utter unknowing realm. One where everything ceases to exist and nothing means anything, a void. I lost my voice and thought OK I shall sit in silence there’s to much to say and nothing to say. Do I even say it in the correct way and what is the correct way since everything under the sun seems to be debatable. Facts lives and the existence of these things. Even when concrete, can actually be discussed into oblivion for some individuals which intern opens a vast chasm of questions that befuddle the sane mind. Maybe I’m tired and after a wonderful vacation seeing family, attending our first Nietzsche conference and just enjoying the time away from what you might call real life. Your home life where your working to pay bills and keep a roof over your head and survive.
I think it must have been an overwhelming sense of hopelessness, as the news you avoided suddenly rushes in wave after wave each more forceful than the last. Knocking you down again and again.
The first knocks you off your feet,
the second onto your back,
the third you feel pinned nothing will move
the fourth so heavy in its force you cant even breath
the fifth is the one to completely decimate you flattening your existence into nothingness.
This is me, trying to explain this feeling that I wake with daily the past month or so, My strength helping me to rise again and again and go through the motions but always the same outcome. Knocked down, and eventually knocked out.
Today I started sketching and then I started looking through photos, and realized I take a lot of selfies, this started my process for the day. Why do I take thousands of selfies that never see the light of day? I realized it stems from many issues but they all come back to the same conclusion I’m looking for myself in a sense. I’m hoping to capture glimpses of what this individual or being truly is. What I represent if anything and if I have a place in this world. In this world that seems so insane sometimes. I take these images of myself hoping to capture an emotion I can use later to snap myself out of my robotic overly analytical infinite loops I sometimes find myself in. Loops I’m aware of yet like a naive child I wake each day with this new sense of wonder and naivety that soon is disrupted by almost anything and everything. The photos are a phased and constant transformative state, I’m trying desperately to understand. The ones I selected I’ve kept eve while they were blurred and imperfect they work. Today I wanted only to delete everything and cease to exist, I told my partner I want to hit a large reset button and let the energies disperse where they may. As it may serve a better purpose than it does now.
But I know its a passing feeling, one that will repeat again and again and again. I’m just tired I’m to tired to even put the mask up in a sense, because at some point the futility of it all will become to real and unavoidable, repeating the same action over and over again and expecting a different outcome.