Day 216, ~ Voiceless ~

Day 216.jpg

~ Voiceless ~

Boisterous whispers

Symbolic drowning, breathing

Heavy uncontrolled

KKF

 

Rough day but a day none the less.

Me: thinking I’m going to be on a happy kick I’m going to force myself to use my tools and see all that is joyful.

My mind: slaps me in the face saying wake up, your hideous waste of space, talent-less hack, you speak but without a voice, you are nothing, you are devoid of emotion and feelings you, vessel of emptiness. Who are you?

Me: I still try, I wake from this dungeon of despair and I wash up, I put on laundry, I feed the cats and the chicken, I put on a load of dishes and go through the motions. The motions that will and do help me climb a little out of this hole. Nails bending and breaking, splintering on the jagged words of defeat that line the walls. Air thick and heavy as the weight increases crushing down on me, but I climb.

My mind: Look at you walking to the laundry room, earthquakes beneath your feet, your hideous your nothing, you’ve applied for work nobody wants you with your foreign sounding name, who do you think you are to hold your head high and draw breath from another that would be more deserving? CEASE…to exist and the universe will balance it all out. You will make space for another and you can sleep in peace and rest in my arms of tranquility.

Me: I take the next steps anyhow; I march on and make it back to the house and sit at my desk to sketch. I don’t know what to sketch I don’t know what to grab. I want to sculpt something with my clay, I want to sing, I want to nurture my greenhouse, I want to maybe do something with my oils or watercolors, but nothing is speaking to me. Nothing inspires me, and I beat myself up thinking I live in a world of inspiration. But I can’t find my voice and how I can say what I desire to say, Governments overthrown, immigrant children in deplorable conditions, People losing themselves and ending themselves, Families estranged, Our other brother and sisters around the world without water. And it just goes on and on and on and on. I don’t and can’t find my voice there’s so much pain in this existence that whatever I feel pales in comparison. I’m voiceless in a cacophony of rage, tears, joy, misery, and suffering.

My mind: ……. it’s one day tomorrow well dance again, and the music will change. The rhythms and choreography shall shift, will you pivot with purpose or fall flailing to the ground?

Me: I suck, did I put soap in the laundry, something else must be done, no time for the self now, distract and deflect, the world moves on with vigor and determination. I to take another step smiling a little because we all do. Whether the path is easy to see or not we step.

This photo, a quick snap of one of my meditative happy place’s but also a place that makes me feel even more the depth of the world and the universe, the distance and the dance of the calm mingled with rage the hard mingled with the soft. I tried to create today beyond the camera and it all just felt meaningless, trite, mundane and inconsequential… useless.

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