Day 212, ~ Reflections ~

~ Reflections ~

Who is that person?

Frozen staring through your soul

Reflections of us.

KKF

Today I’m stuck and at times unable to see why. You can understand all the logical ways of looking and deciphering your moods and modes. I am still reminded now and then from my partner of when I’m in a good place. As in he can observe from the outside through all my actions words etc., how I’m dealing with things. Often, he reminds me of my joy in recent and old photos where I can see this other version of myself that exudes joy and seems happy grateful and deserving of the breath she draws. Someone who for all the shades of life I can and do love laughing to tears, those guttural laughs that hurt your core. I am a happy person as well, but like the Snapchat photo I use as the title image most of my characters have the same face as I do not really a smile not really a frown just a mood. Kind of melancholic as a default maybe. I observe this person often and I always look at them each time wondering who are you? What is your voice? Do you have a purpose? Is this all just random? Who are you???

When I stare and try confronting the self, I do at times loose myself. Because for me I’m not special alone I’m a representation of so much more so many people and genetics and a representative of the human species. Why am I allowed to wake and feel remotely safe while a brother or sister on the opposite end of the world wakes in hunger, pain, violence, or complete and utter mental isolation. Not to mention so much more, when I look in the mirror I cry, I smile, I hate, and yet love and respect, my journey and the craziness in getting to this point to this refracted, reflected point in time.  Taking a little Pride in ourselves, yourselves, and myself, during these journeys.

I’m aware that dysmorphia has played a roll in this for me along with depression and solitary observational tendencies. Not to long ago I downloaded the app snapchat and thought well maybe I’ll use it with family or something, I wasn’t sure. I don’t necessarily like all these social apps and the negative aspects they can represent and bring out in people. But for some reason this one has helped me in the odd way of allowing me to laugh at myself laugh at life and laugh at the silliness of it at times. I would spend maybe like 10 min just making crazy photos of myself for myself. I wouldn’t send them to anyone until recently like 3 days ago when my best girlfriend and I got to see each other again. I now send them and share them with her. I saw for us when we did some of it together that night, that laughter from the soul, laughter to tears just being with each other and silly. Making each other smile, this is what I like with the app filters etc. There are issues with it yes sometimes it distorts and skews too much to one ideal of beauty? This I hope they work on as it is still a problem today. I include one

photo not made with the app just a normal photo no filters just sunlight.

However, for now I’ll continue to amuse myself while sitting on the sofa alone and when I’m a little down it lifts me up just enough to smile and laugh and I’m thinking that is not all bad. My partner however teases me now and then because from his perspective your watching someone make faces into a camera laughing hysterically. I however know it’s made him laugh once or twice when I turn the camera onto his serious self and let him also see how he can laugh at the absurdity of it all. Also, I think he loves seeing me smile now and then. More so than when he sees me breakdown from something in our world that seems so wrong, so unjust, and illogical. So today I expose a vulnerable silliness usually left only for myself in the hope that it makes someone smile and laugh, because we need that now and then

Side note the whole time I’m writing this my face is cringing in grotesque ways, why because just yesterday the fields near the house have been soaked in that wonderful concoction of cow feces and other things I imagine.  It smells horrific but oh how beautiful and green the grass is on the other side once it’s done its job. Irony not lost, but OMG it smells. And I hate it because I know that smell are tiny little particles being inhaled and breathed into my being. Ick things I think about, also my partner likes the smell for him it brings out pleasant memories of childhood maybe and running in fields maybe. I’ve not asked him what it sparks that he appreciates but for me it hits like a Mack Truck in the face and is immediately confronting and vile. But I do love the flowers and fields of vibrant variations of green life that are a result of the funky work that must be put in first.

Today nothing profound just, a stranger from afar wanting to make a someone smile in their space for a moment from my silly undertaking for today. This haiku is for all, when we look at and observe ourselves and who and what we are. We start our existential journeys repeatedly time and again.  The rain has subsided, the sun is shining, and the sea is calling so for now I stop and want to feel the breeze in my hair.

Still not sure if this blogging thing is something, I enjoy but I’ve had a private message or two that has helped me see it might be. At least it speaks to someone, so a connection is made. “But doubt still strong against blog force it is!” Lol apologies I have the worst humor, trying to be all Yoda like, time for some fresh air.