Day 192, ~ Weather Curve ~

Day 192-2

~ Weather Curve ~

Where sunshine dances

Embers twinkle until cooled

Blanketing bliss falls.

KKF

 

Yesterday was so sunny so hot and so heated and life fluttering everywhere. It was a beautiful inspiring day. Today however I was inspired to wake up late, my ears permeated for 7 hours with the sounds of thunderous rainfall and lightning strikes. All from an audio device I use to sleep soundly. Well I slept a little to soundly because the sound carried over into reality. And since rain has an empowering yet calming effect on me, I slept a little longer. The dreams amazing as usual, intricately laced with sounds smells and textures all feeling so real so vivid you want to languish within them forever. Because at times the world outside seems so maddening.

Today is a rainy grey day, sharing its own beauty and time to appreciate another phase of nature. For me I just felt like ok take care of chores and then I want my favorite sunny blanket and a good book and maybe some tea and just fall into reading and nothing else. It’s kind of funny the book I was drawn to read again just for fun is 1984. Day 192-4So, I completed my chores appreciated all the vibrancy of the plants and earth waking up outside.Day 192.jpg

Day 192-3

Once inside I sat in my chair at my desk thinking to doodle or not to doodle that is the question. I took some photos, but I need to sketch now even if I post or not have a vision or not just sketch. So, I wasn’t inspired, I just wanted to listen to rain as it danced across the roof, sounds ringing out that give me chills and relax me.

I picked up my pad after looking down observing my body, my mind briefly thought where is that woman that played volleyball and ran track? She’s dead either from the joy of maybe feeling ok in life for now or what have you. I can’t honestly say, but the woman I was noticing from above I didn’t hate. I think I love her she’s been through some things and is still standing and still strong and still able to realize even when I was skinny, I didn’t have the impracticable bodies that magazines toted as the ideal. I was a tall amazon who loved volleyball and track, so I had some tone and muscle, yet even though I was learned I still fell sometimes thinking I need to be a waif I need thigh gaps to be appreciated and maybe one day loved. When what we need is to just be healthy and love ourselves. We are born alone and that is the same state in which we release our energies alone.

Day 192-5

That’s a step in the right direction, I think. Learning to appreciate our bodies and how they morph and change. If I’m completely honest with myself and my Dysmorphia I would say I like the way my body is now. When looking back at older photos where I was smaller thinner, hip bones and all. I realize I do and have weathered the storms of life and circumstances, curving into a being I can be proud of. One who at least realizes that they have a arsenal of tools to try and weather future storms as well. Am I ok all the time no, I think this is a positive spike and I’ll ride it into my downward spiral as well, I’ve never surfed but would like to one day and I feel maybe this is a kind of riding the waves, adapting and learning when to dive below and when to glide across the top with the wind in your hair.

 

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