Day 101, Shattered

Day 101.jpg


Shattered life and dreams

Refracted and reflected

Constant suffering.



The dangerous thing about time, today I focused on applications resumes and sending out CV’S applying and trying to find work. Blah tedious and straining as always, you feel so defeated and drained afterwards, or at least you can. My body seemed to process it this way today and I ended up pulling out my sketch book. Today’s post is sharing some tremendous pain that I now have the tools to process daily and accept but at the time I felt shattered, broken, and flawed. The image dealt with news from my doctors around my body and how I had been misinformed of the chances that one day I could have my own children. I remember right when I got the message its like the universe stopped everything was silent and I heard and felt nothing and everything all at once. I was only able to scream however in this void that had been created, showing nothing outwardly. One of those skills having lived through a violent trauma. Defense mechanisms automatic and fortified beyond what is necessary.

This mini painting sketch was made shortly after the news that day depicting the constant pain and feeling of life flowing from my being, never cultivating into a being within but many beings without. The glass shards each just constant pain always there always within reach, delicately orbiting and ready to strike when my defenses fail. No bitter notes here however, there is a balance to life and that is a beautiful thing. And heck I get to love and spoil all the family and friend toddlers and then send them back home with the parents lol. Perks everywhere just have to look. Ok I’m making light of my pain but I’m surviving today because of that skill. We must be able to smile through the pain, misinformation and horrible things that happen in life.  Otherwise we’d never leave the safety of our beds or homes, cushy captives.

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