I’ve always loved you, not so easy to say.
You and your body adored, distant and so near.
I kiss longing for more, starved yet satiated.
Raw salty, sweet yet also bitter with bite.
Intense this bond I share with you.
My flesh to yours, mingled in ecstasy
Dizzy minds, trembling flesh.
Locked eyes, and tainted breath.
Rough with disregard,
Tender with great care,
My mind wanders this day to places unknown and yet known very well to me. It seems when I sit to sketch or start a project I like to start from the base up. From inside out, maybe because I’ve always loved the human form. Even at times more than I care to admit. I’ve always longed for a connection with another that is always just out of reach. Even now with being engaged It all still feels so foreign. Maybe as a child dealing with things I spent too much time crawling into dark closets and contained areas to be alone and sort out what I was feeling. You come to rely on yourself and reflecting and fixing things with no outside help. Positive but also detrimental to some extent. Which I’m more aware of now, I can’t connect in this insane way that I long to. It’s easier to achieve it in words or an image I might construct but the real connection with another still alien to me. I dissect everything, maybe I missed my calling in the medical field, I’m not quite sure though. Always had a hard time dissecting small creature in biology class. At any rate it’s not easy and something I struggle with to this day. Still working on it however and it seems I met someone who gets that as well.
I only recently as of a year ago came to the realization that maybe I’m asexual. It’s funny though I’ve always been told I have a strong sexual energy. Confusing, desiring what you might not actually want. I mean the germaphobe in me can take issue with intimacy. I mean heck you can ruin some great encounters asking for a full medical workup with someone before you even entertain the idea of joining with them in a union. My mind immediately goes to saliva and body fluids excretions etc. In that sense I am very odd maybe, but I find it’s a good thing. When I finally allow myself to be vulnerable it means something to me. It means I’m breaking down that icy exterior that has been fortified by past traumas I worked through or failed to. Maybe this is one of the reasons I love painting imagery or sketches where I remove all the surface and really show the delicate beauty of us and what we are at the end of the day. Just humans bumping into each other trying to understand each other or maybe not but trying to make a connection of some sort. Trying to make sense of everything, or for some just getting by. Myself my mind always finds joy looking up to the stars and beyond thinking of the vastness out there. I become brokenly sad knowing I, in the consciousness I have now may never know its wonders. I also love thinking of all that happens within us this amazing body and how its developed. I sometimes like to think of us as a microcosm of everything without, human microbiota. All the tiny microorganisms that reside within and upon us. But when my mind goes there I tend to become guilty of anthropomorphizing these microorganisms picturing them peering out through the fluids of our body through a vast expanse, unaware of what they are encapsulated within. I just love that thought , I’m not sure why it’s comforting in some way.