Sometimes it’s good to just let go and be free. To let that creative spontaneous thought, take hold and carry you away. I do this often, sometimes just to let out what’s whirling around inside my mind. At other times maybe its to try and justify for myself that I’m ok. I often swing upon a spectrum of manic highs and depressive lows. But I think while young I tackled this by embracing it to some extent. If I feared the dark I would go to my room and then intentionally open the closet, where all the spooky things are. Then I would climb in, close the door and crawl into the back corner. Just sitting and waiting for my fears to abate or something else to happen. It helped, and I think to this day it has helped me become stronger overcoming many obstacles at times. At other times protecting me so much so that it closed me off to some positive things that could take place. For example, love and other emotional connections etc. I became an icy amazon warrior, chilled and solid, emotions kept in check and nothing thawed without great effort.
ArcticAmazonKKF was born, the part of me that became my shied and sword. Part of me that could stand in the face of adversity and hold her head high, meeting challenges head on. She is the building block of me allowing myself to embrace my insane ideas that sometimes have me running through the woods naked trying to connect with nature and tap into something more than what we are. Loving every breath, and every drop of water that trickles in the shower, slowly creeping down your body. Moving effortlessly through all the pores and hairs and crevices of your flesh. Taking joy in just being able to stand outside on my legs and see the sun and take it in. Letting the warmth permeate my being with waves of energy, healing my inner core of ice. To this day the ice is still there, I still feel disconnected, maybe we all do at times. Maybe there is beauty in this, a fertile breeding ground for something new, something untapped. I think for me it is a good default mode that I operate in, because it forces me to always reflect on trying my best to connect with others. To open myself and be warm to smile, to engage.
I included photos this time comes from an inspiration tour I used to take and still do, with my Fiancé at that time my friend. He was a creative soul as well, with his camera and digital exploits. We often would have to leave the beautiful little village where we lived, for a city outing. On these outings we would drive in his little red car, base woofer in the back seat. Rave music, grunge, rock, metal, rap etc. Everything blazing in your ears and causing rhythmic joy in the body. Sometimes university lectures on philosophy, science, and history. On these drives we would pass by so much beautiful scenery it would inspire my mind with a bunch of nutty ideas. One of those is what you see, me trying to embrace my body, ice, stones and winter chills. I tried to make a little fake fur looking bikini, my sewing skills lacking at that time. But I did it anyway because the visuals in my mind I needed to see realized. In my haste to realize these photos I cared not of ice shards hanging above, that could have been disturbed and impaled me in my quest. This is how my mind works I literally before crawling under them saw the visuals of bright red blood flowing over the ice and chilling. Seems odd maybe but I think it’s a nice habit. It means I try to prepare for all outcomes. Weigh the positives and negatives, considering everything and then act. I see this as beautiful as well, trying not to limit yourself from fears. Trap yourself, work through yourself, and free yourself. Little cheesy but kinda my process.
What’s dead inside me, this void that I cannot fill.
An empty chasm, full of doubt, depression and pills.
Lost in a whirling blackness, of endless ecstasies.
Eyes wide open, boundless possibilities.
A dark foreboding ocean, as far as the eyes can see.
Creativity nurtured, a new baby born to me.
Execution comes a lurking, in shadows of a soul.
Weapon at the ready, time to take control.
Ideas are born, some quickly defeated.
Mother will give them life, and the deadly cycle is repeated.