Like most people, I’ve made a tepid resolution to Expose, Express and Evolve myself a little more than usual. EEE I think this will be a hashtag, and yes, I’m hating myself already for sharing that mini thought. It seems this is our world and it always has been to some extent. Expressed in different ways and forms throughout time. I digress however and need to focus and try to get back on point. To do that maybe I should start with a little about myself first. To understand myself or to maybe help another in some way shape or form, I honestly don’t Know.
I think for my first post I’m rather scared to write as well because I’ve been taught to live life privately. Why share, why say anything, no one cares. Or even better there exist individuals who will always say it and express it better. But being that’s it’s a new year in which I can challenge myself I say frack it. This is however the point of doing this, I will be wrong, I will be naive and flawed and that’s what makes it all the more beautiful I feel. I will always exist in a place where I hope to learn something. A curse I will gladly carry proudly.
I will be brutally honest for a moment; my mind is like a tornado bombarded with artistic ideas whirling around at a chaotic pace. At times I lose some of my emotional connections to others, and then I rely on gathered information from past experiences to express myself appropriately. This is not easy, and you are always analyzing and dissecting everything around you, wanting to understand it, connect with it, and maybe, most of all … experience it genuinely. I say this because only now, for once in my life, I’ve turned off my background music, closed multiple open windows on my computer, and I’m sitting in complete silence reaching for the words. This is unknown for me. My mind has always been chaotic as long as I could remember. The constant battle I have known is trying to control it. The longest love I have known is complete and utter darkness where I briefly find solace and rest.
Part of me has always loved the chaos as well, creating something beautiful from it. These creations allow me to connect with something deeper, allowing me to connect with another on a level that I can’t find words to explain it adequately. When I was younger, this made me feel like I served some kind of purpose or gave me a reason for my existence. Other than the randomness from two individuals engaging in coitus, and bringing forth a life.